Grieving loss

November 28, 2015

Struggles Are Catalysts For Awakening~”Be aware of the need to be grateful for the suffering and struggles that are part of the fabric of your life. Sometimes it’s easy to simply be angry at your suffering rather than to know that it is the catalyst for your searching and awakening.
Your ability to know the power of kindness and love most likely grew out of some darkness and pain in your past. Without those experiences you would still be stuck. Addictions teach the elixir of purity. Anger teaches the ecstasy of love. Ingratitude teaches the need for gratitude. Hoarding teaches the pleasure of giving. Your own pain taught you how to be more present and loving with others…”

~Wayne W. Dyer, from “Manifest Your Destiny”

We arrived at my parents grave and my children got to see where my parents were buried for the first time. My four year old immediately screamed “It’s not fair! I want to meet your parents!”… My husband and I both had to shed a tear immediately with that entrance.

And then my husband read the quote on the front. “If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again” . My mother really wanted to be with my father when he died. For the first time I whispered to my parents grave stone ” I forgive you for leaving me”.  I remember when he died, I heard my mother shriek, she ran downstairs to me first and said “Melissa, Melissa, He is dead, My partner, My baby… He is dead Melissa” I jumped up out of bed and collapsed to floor. She wore Black everyday since . She was left with 7 children to raise by herself. That night my mom asked me to sleep with her, she asked to hold my hand, when she fell asleep, I promised my dad I would take care of her.

A year and a half later she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I became her nurse. I did what I could but didn’t really know what I know now about chemotherapy or natural health. I wish I knew then what I knew now, but that just isn’t the case. I drove her to chemotherapy and took care of the family, went to Narcotic Anonymous meetings with my brother to support his sobriety and tried to get my really dysfunctional boyfriend at the time to marry me so my mother could be there. I was 21 when she died and left me in charge of everything. Twenty one.

This year I meditated and time travelled to that 18 year old girl and I hugged her and held her and told her how proud I was of her. Not much else to say, My family needed me to be who I was –  there was no one else to step up to the plate.

I time travelled and held 21 year old me and hugged her and rubbed her back like her mom used to do. That’s what she needed. I kissed her on the forehead and said “its going to get better, I promise”.

What I needed to do was forgive my parents for being human. This year I found compassion for myself and then I found compassion for my parents. The last decade I spent feeling my parents were lazy and didn’t take care of themselves, I felt having that many children they should have taken their health more serious. This manifested fear of being unhealthy in me when I had children. Deep fear.

What I discovered is that it wasnt just my parents eating too much fast food, It was also because my parents had wounds from childhood too and they never processed it. This sort of thing is also passed on in DNA (trauma). The cycle was broken with me though, because I learned that not only can I heal my mother and my mothers mother etc. Pain comes in waves but I can do it, because I am learning from the pain and I have allowed it to brew in my roots and I will flower a more empathic contribution to this earth because I went deep.

Check out my following post with specific details on how to heal your ancestral wounds and break patterns of hurt.

By admin